Calm Before The Storm

Things have been rather quiet in Malkyland of late partly because of my stag do antics and partly because I have been laid up with the cold. I have not really been watching too many movies either, and the ones of I have watched have been kinda poor for the most part.

The Invention of Lying-generally unfunny and kinda insulting at points

Underworld 3- Piss Poor. I should of known I mean Underworld 1 was good and 2 was alright but even then I watched them as a students and a lot of things back then seemed better than they actually were, for various reasons. However one thing what will always remain constant and brilliant about the first two films is Kate Beckinsdale in a pvc catsuit.


Point Proven

However Underworld 3 lacks Kate Beckinsdale and instead replaces her with Rhona Mitra the go to girl when Kate says no(or in this case cant do the film). She is pretty no doubt but she cant act at all as anyone who has seen Doomsday can attest. This film was a waste of time and a giant waste of Martin Sheen's acting prowess he must have signed a 3 film contract back when times were lean and its sad to see him here.

Super High Me- Its like Super Size Me but with grass instead of McDonalds. Man smokes weed for 30 days to see what happens, not much really but then that was sort of a given. I mean its okay but not great.

Chaplin-Now this was a good film with Robert Downey Jr in the title role and he rules it. I have seen some Chaplin films when I was a kid and I laughed heartily. This was a really good film and it is definitely worth a look.

What I have been doing with my time is playing one of three games which is weird because typically I play a game until my eyes bleed then I am done, going back and forth between 3 games is a bit of a novelty for me but its going well.

I'm playing Tiger Woods 2009 which is brilliant I played 2003 to death and bought 2006 on the recommendation of my ex girlfriend of all places but I just could not get into it as well it was too similar to 2003 and I could not be bothered attempting to get full stats again since it was an utter chore to do in 2003 . However sufficent time has passed plus I have a new console and therefore require a new golf game to play and its great. Minor flaw and its mainly me not the game is that i can not play it for sustained periods of time otherwise my concentration goes. This is a very good game to play in the morning when I'm avoiding Sky Sports News as Rangers got there 2nd 4-1 European humping in a row . No more football til Saturday.

Another game I'm playing is Batman: Arkham Asylum which was hyped to the rafters. It's kinda weird this game I do not really enjoy playing it but I keep persevering. I'm waiting for the moment I discover its greatness. I will say the more I play it the more I like it but for the most part I don't think its that great. Maybe it will become an addiction like smoking where you don't really want a fag but you need one. Batman is kinda like that .

Weird confession time Harley Quinn is the sexiest gaming character I have seen in a long time.



Mainly because sexy game characters are few and far between but also because she is completely loopy which I'm weirdly drawn too.

The final game I have been playing is Condemned. I bought this yonks back but never played it for very long as another game interfered but I was a massive fan of the sequel which was a new release at the time and came free with my X Box on purchase. This is a deeply frightening game, in my opinion not as scary as the 2nd but still really scarey. Last night was spent mainly slicing open mutant burn victims with the handle of a guillotine. This is my new favourite weapon as I like the sound it makes on contact with flesh. My previous favourite was the lead pipe as it was a good all round weapon, but the paper guillotine can be used very quickly which is handy plus the noise it makes it really gruesome. I'm not sick or anything but the game scares the shit out of me so I like to even things up when I have the chance. I shot a guy in the head last night and he shrugged it off and butchered me with a fire axe, it is really hard so you enjoy the little things where possible.

If you have no experience with the Condemned series and like being scared play it now. The fear levels surpass the first two Resident Evil games by some margin. These games are true survival horror.

Fear and Self Loathing

Friday

On the road to Kaye's I had 2 bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, 5 sheets of high powered blotter acid, wait actually that is a lie. However I did have 2 bottles of wine, 8 DVD's and half a pack of cigarettes, which is not as hardcore but it was good enough for me. Kaye was making me her signature dish and it would have been bad form to turn up without a bottle and it would be especially bad form to turn up with enough drugs to kill us both 4 times over.

Dinner as lovely and it always nice to have dinner prepared for you. We watched Shadow of The Vampire which was okay although I think I would have really enjoyed if we paid more attention as we nattered throughout. Then we watched Rabid which I quite enjoyed it was a bit different, but then again most of Cronenberg's films are.

Saturday

On Thursday I was invited to a stag do so I mainly chilled on Saturday afternoon , no coupon today as it was international week so I mainly played golf. There was an argument outside the pub on my street which is nothing unusual however this one took a turn for the worse. Some guy whacked another guy with a pool cue a few times while a bystander tried to shield the whackee. There was a woman with the whacker and she was loud but I'm not sure who she was shouting at. The disagreement seems to have come about over £40 as I all I could make out was

"Ya clungey bastard mumble mumble £40. "£40 ya clungey bastard mumble mumble"

One would normally assume that this argument was over a debt but I saw the cue wielding tosser and he did not look like he ever had £40 never mind had £40 to give away. This argument carried up the street where the whackee managed to get himself a shield of the street. The blows were always to the body and the shouting took ages to end. It certainly brightened up my afternoon.

I left at 6.30 to go to the stag do. At 7 I arrived at China Buffet King, to be fair it was alright but it gets worse everytime I go. After CBK we went to the Alea Casino at the Quay. Really nice casino by the way we all stuck £20 into a kitty and started off with a shot of Jagermeister, lovely stuff. 8 of us ended up getting a private poker table with a £10 buy in went out third or 4th i went in on two pairs and someone fluked a straight on the river. Still it was really good fun and £30 down including drink is my best ever at the casino. £90 down was my previous best. After the game ended we all jumped in a cab back into town, the guys were off to a strip club and I was heading home.

Later in the strip club we were all sitting round having a drink seeing the sites. I was doing well. I knocked back 3 or 4 strippers but apparently I caved and got a dance. I dont even remember it, I dont remember what she looked like her name or nothing it took me about 20 minutes this morning to remember I even had a dance. All I can recall is a pair of boobs being thrust in my face and her rubbing my raging hardon with her smooth leg vigoursly. I mean they were nice boobs small and pert but not the kind of chebs I would donate all my cash too but that is precisely what I did. I would not feel bad if I could remember it but I cant.

"No Sympathy for the Devil always bear that in mind. Buy the ticket take the ride." I have always loved and agreed with that statement but it is important to remember the ride otherwise you just end up with a ticket, a £55 ticket that says Entertainment. That and a dog eared fiver were all that greeted me in my wallet when I awoke this morning. I have no idea how or when I get home I think I walked as my jacket was soaking this morning was it raining last night?

Sunday

I woke in my room around 8 and immediatley regretted it. Jesus I felt bad hazy memories swirled around my head with a feeling of deep regret and sadness. Why I felt that way I did not yet know, but I was sure I would soon. Eventually I crawled out my pit into the shower where I remembered I got the dance. That explains the regret but why the sadness? That came when I checked my bank balance.

At this point I'd like to say it is a hard life but its not. It is a spectacuarly easy life, or at least it should be or even would be if I was not such a momentual fuck up at times. All my problems are generally self inflicted, thought like these weigh heavy on mind when I am hungover incapable of any activity whatsoever I should probably stop drinking but then what would I do?

Today has been a write off I have mainly stayed in bed. I nedded a good lie down after I came back from Iceland as I needed food. Eventually I summoned up enough energy to go the cinema. I planned on watching The Invention of Lying but the cinema was heaving and I was running late so I wandered around town until the queue died down and went to see Halloween 2, I've not seen the first one although I have seen the original film. It's not bad pretty gruesome, good sound effects during the killings. They are rather stomach churning or that could just be the hangover, I'm not sure.

That has been my weekend, Monday fast approcahes bringing a new week with new possibilties. I wonder how I will fuck them up too.

Peace out

Malky

Stuff I Have Watched

Been watching a lot of films recently so I thought write down my opinions.

500 Days of Summer- Good I rather enjoyed this romantic comedy taken from a guys perspective. It is really quite close to the bone at times but it is rather refreshing to see a film about a straightforward relationship that goes wrong instead of the usually cheesy pish about mad dashes to the airport etc.

The Surrogates- Bad and generally pointless

Hocus Pocus- I had not seen it since I've as 12 and it is okay to be fair, but you know a film is old when Sarah Jessica Parker plays the hot sister. It was a worthwhile film to watch while I rammed down some Chinese food and wine.

Candyman-Somehow this escaped me until now, it was a really good gothic horror that relies on suspense as well as some gore but nothing too over the top.The standard of acting was pretty decent which was good as poor acting is the downfall fo many a horror. I'm definitely going to check out the sequel now.

Gamer-the new film from the Crank guys (I love Crank), its not that great it has moments of humour and loads of over the top action which I expected but I think they were aiming for satire at points and it just did not work.

Pandorum- An almost good film it starts of as a quite good sci-fi horror, almost like The Descent in Space but the last 20 minutes are so poorly written and terrible it offended me. It annoys the piss out of me when a film ends poorly and Jesus this fucked up big time. I would rant more about this but it si not worth my time.

Species-Another film that elduded me until now, good cast and it is a decent wee film. Not the best film ever made but it works and it kept me entertained for 90 minutes which was the point of it. For a mid 90's it has surprisingly good CGI for its time too which was nice. I like sci-fi horror tand this is a good example of the genre unlike Pandorum.

Up next is Monster House and Amityviille Horror

Sound Financial Planning

I want to buy a laptop, I have thought about this and decided there are three ways to achieve this:

1. Buy one now and be skint for the rest of the month
2. Save
3.Gamble my way to a laptop

Option 1 is not sensible, option 2 will take a while and option 3 is risky but I come up with a plan and what a plan it is. Every Saturday I put a couple of quid on a football coupon and I'm not very good at it but hey I enjoy Soccer Saturday and it is so much better with a coupon. I got off to a great start to the season but have since faultered, so I come up with a new system.

On Friday I grab a coupon on my way home and study it intently and see there are 9 matches I think are good bets in terms of chance and payout.

These are:

Aston Villa to beat Blackburn 5/4
Bristol Rovers to beat Brighton 4/5
Charlton to beat Exeter 4/11
West Brom to beat Crystal Palace 8/15
Colchester to beat Tranmere 11/10
Forfar to beat Elgin 2/5
Spurs to beat Burnley 1/3
Middlesborough to beat Coventry 11/10
East Fife to beat Clyde 8/13

These are all sensible bets indivudually so I slam £5 on a 9 fold accumulator which if it comes up would net me £563 and therefore a brand new laptop. The chances of this happening are slim so I decide to hedge my bets by betting £5 each on 3 separate trebles:


Aston Villa to beat Blackburn 5/4
Bristol Rovers to beat Brighton 4/5
Charlton to beat Exeter 4/11

West Brom to beat Crystal Palace 8/15
Colchester to beat Tranmere 11/10
Forfar to beat Elgin 2/5

Spurs to beat Burnley 1/3
Middlesborough to beat Coventry 11/10
East Fife to beat Clyde 8/13

If any one of these comes up I will get between £22.50 and £27 therefore effectively giving me my money back if all 9 teams win I will get £71 plus the £563 from the accumulator. Total genius what can go wrong?

Actually quite a lot can go wrong. Villa get beat after like 6 straight wins, Rovers (who are third) draw with Brighton and top of the league Charlton beat struggling Exeter. No matter I can still win £45 with my other trebles.

Well actually, I can not as top of the league West Brom are held by Palace. Tranmere who are managed by John Fucking Barnes scrape a point after 5 or 6 straight defeats and Forfar draw with Elgin 3-3! Sounded like a great game to be fair. When was the last time Elgin scored 3? I want to know.

Still this totally cool as I can recoup my £20. Spurs are humping Burnley 5-0, East Fife are beating Clyde 1-0 (Clyde couldnae score in a brothel) and Middlesborough were 2-0 up at half time. Sweet with 12 minutes to go Coventry pull one back but Middlesborough will hold on. Full time is declared with Spurs and East Fife, Midedlesborough are 2-1 up injury time I'm getting £22.50 all is good. No fate hates me and Coventry equalise 5 minutes into injury time. Bastards, total cock munching bastards of the highest order. Leon Best I'm coming to get you and my retribution will not be swift .

I am now £20 down and actaully further away from a laptop. I have years of experience watching my coupons go pear shaped. Typically if I pick 9 results one or two teams will be down and out with half an hour to go but only Villa were beaten and it was by a 89th minute penalty. The rest were all draws these teams cock teased me to the very end. Needless to say I was pretty pissed.

On another note i was ID's in the bookies again by a 19 year old, I'm 27. After that I walked into an off license and was served no problems.

Last night I watched Buy The Ticke Take The Ride a Hunter S Thompson documentary. I enjoyed it but it was prety much more of the same stuff we have seen before. Although the documentary makes Sean Penn seem kinda cool, who knew that was possible?

First

Right as I said in my about me I doing this because I need to rant and I can't on facebook and too many family members know about my bebo and well myspace is the forgotten child. I'm currently ill, not ill enough to stay home from work but ill enough to prevent me from drinking, which is precisely the worst kind of ill.

I initially though it was a mixture of spicy pasta and German smoke beer causing the problems but its not, which is good because smoke beer is awesome albeit dear at £2.27 a bottle. My new diet of wholemeal bread and tea while not unpleasant is not quite cutting it as Friday is chippy night and well that is not gonna happen tonight :(

I was planning to go see 500 Days of Summer last night because I have yet to hear one bad thing about it so I'lll probably check that out on Sunday. Instead I stayed at home and watched Syriana which is like Traffic but with oil. It is a good film that mainly centres around George Clooney's beard out acting everyone including its bearer. Clooney won an oscar for that role as he had shaved by time of the ceremony (clearly he was jealous of it's success) and therefore the beard was not able to pick up the award.