We Can Rebuild You

The past two weekends I've had it ripped out me for being fat. I know, I'm fat I've known it for a while as out of roughly a dozen pair of trousers that I own only 5 pairs fit me. I've had the feeling for a while that I should do something about it but having the pish ripped out me by my nearest and dearest has really brought it home.

I'm 5'7 and weigh 12 stone 9lbs, really I should weigh 11 stone actually that is rather generous I really should be 10 stone 7 but losing over two stone is an almighty goal and I would be happy at 11. Last week was when I'd try eating healthily and it worked for 5 days until Friday hit then I had my first Gregg's and only Gregg's of the week. Going from 11 visits to 1 is rather impressive however I fell further from the wagon when I got an indian at night, still its the weekend I need to cut loose every now and then but Saturday was a total write off with a fried breakfast and a chippy. After further jibes about being fat I decided that eating better would not be sufficient especially since I just pigged out for two days straight.

Badly hungover on Sunday I needed a plan so I decide to try to eat better and exercise. This would be the toughest of all but something has to happen. I have a long think about it and come to the conclusion that swimming twice a week is the thing for me. On Monday I handily locate a pool that is more or less 20 minutes from both work and home it is council run and therefore cheap with no ongoing fees. As far as I am concerned this is perfection. Swimming combined with wholemeal toast breakfast, soup lunches and healthy dinners is the ticket to a slimmer and fitter me.

This morning I wake and decide today after work I shall swim so I pack some shorts and a towel into a bag then once I finish work I locate the pool pay £2.20 for the privilege of using the facilities get changed. Feeling all proud for actaully taking steps to reduce my fatness I jump into the pool. It is at this point I discover the fatal flaw in my master plan, I can not swim.

Well I can swim kind of. I can do the front crawl, the breast stroke and some bastardised version of the back stroke I picked up from somewhere, its just that I can not swim very far. I've never been a strong swimmer but in my youth I was competent enough in a pool. Today I jumped in the shallow end did a length (25 metres) turned round and started to do another I complete approximatley 3/4 of a length then I start to sink. I can not breathe underwater so I stand up and discover that I cant really breathe above the water either I sit down at the shallow end and try to recover my breathe. At this point I notice a young lady who is possibly checking me out, as she keeps giving me sideway glances either that or she was admiring my fledgling chebs. I suppose I'll never know as I could not speak to her, not because I was shy but because I could not talk as I was so out of breath. I suppose another option is she was wondering why a young man was breathing so heavily in the shallow end of a pool which had swimsuit clad children near by.

Anyway by the time I recover she was gone but I decide to swimming 37.5 metres wont cut it so I try again and successfully complete and 1 and 3/4 lengths before sinking again. All in all I manage about 7 lengths or 175 metres before I pack it in. Losing this much weight will be a long process. I walk two miles a day every day. When I was a kid Gavin Hastings was always on tv telling us walking was pure brilliant apparently he was wrong. Legend be may be but he is still a cunt for lying to me.

Apparently chosing a pool equidistant from work and home was not such a great idea either because I was in chuffing agony on the walk home still I managed it. Eating a healthy dinner today was also a challenge because I have no healthy food the best I can whip up is a grilled square sausage and cheese toasty with a red chilli and brown sauce. Healthy no, tasty yes, it looks like baby steps will be required here.

Instead of cutting up the chilli like a sensible person I just tear it up with my hands then quickly wash them before dining on my feast. Sometime after dinner I scratch around my man bits, then slowly I feel a mild burning sensation which slowsly grows steadier in intestity. I tursn out my hand washing excercise was not to thourough and now my balls burn brightly thanks to my red chilli. It hurts deeply and I've typed this blog to help take my mind off things.

I've recovered form last nights chilli burns today is slightly worse. Today it burns all over at first just my arms but gradually my legs became more painful with each step towards work. As I type this my thighs creak in pain but hey no pain no gain. I went through a smoothie phase earlier this year and today in need of fruity sustenance I buy a smoothie from a juice bar. I buy the smallest size available and its £2.95 for what is essentially banana's and strawberries with milk. Actually it contains frozen yoghurt but that is just cold off milk. I could have made litres of the stuff for £2.95, if I actually had banana's or strawberries or fruit of any kind in my fridge but I don't. All I have has chillies asparagus garlic and sweet potato and its too early for that, it will be eternal;ly to early for that kind of smoothy.

2 Weddings and a Hangover

This weekend was rather hectic. Friday I stayed in and watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which was different. It has really catchy tunes however which plagued my mind for a few days still I'm glad I watched it.

Saturday was Halloween so naturally I had two weddings to attend. Attending two weddings would be difficult for mere mortals but I took it my stride. The first started at 2 and the second at 6. SO if I skipped the reception of the first I could attend the reception of other, pure genius.

I arrive in Beith near the first weddingat 1 and ask a local how to get to the venue. Local man says go to pub and phone taxi. I arrive at said pub, lovely pub it was and it had football on, today will be a good day. The taxi takes half and hour and which then takes me to the venue. It was a lovely wedding but I did not know many people so I drank a fair bit. I got drunk actaully I left the first do of the day at 6.30pm rather intoxiacated. I asked the taxi man to drop me off at near a cash machine and bus stop. The cash machine swallows my fucking card I'm not happy about this but my bus comes so I jump on and head to Glasgow as I have another do to attend.

I phone my flat mate and kindly inform him of the situation and he loans me £30 to go to the other wedding. I quickly go home pick up some, cash knock back a whiskey and off I go to continue the party. Now I arrive at thsi wedding mid speech and quitely hang back before meeting up with some people I know and continuing to drink.

I meet a young lady who catches my eye but she is stubbornly resistant to my charms. SO i number rape her. I did not come up with that term but basically I grab her phone and called myself in a smooth manaouvre to get her number. I have been permanently cringing about that for around 3 days. The rest of the night is a blur apparently I got home about 1.30 which meant I was on a 12 hour drinking session, I do not handle those well.

Sunday was fun, I woke up spewed went back to bed for an hour got up showered changed, collapsed on my couch to watch the football while I built up the energy to make a tea. About 10 minutes pass and I think right I shall now make tea. So I pause the tv and try to get up, I cant. 30 minutes pass of me sitting in silence trying to get up for tea. I eventually manage this and it felt good.

I watched Goals on Sunday and waitied for the Rangers game to start.

I'll admit watching Rangers has been a bit of a chore this season as the standard of football has been poor at best. I enjoy it when they win but overall the standard is pretty low. When I flicked over too the Rangers vs Dundee United match with some apprehension as I felt it would be a difficult game. However it was actually a very good game of football both teams played well and there were plenty of chances.

I had to pause it after 20minutes for an emergency bacon and egg sandwich but when I came back I hit play and still the remaining 25 minutes were again top quality. Half time came and Rangers were winning so all is right with the world I fast forward through half time eagerly anticipating another cracking half but no the game is abandoned. Bamtards the first SPL game I have enjoyed form a footballing perspective is abandoned leaving me to wallowing in self pity again.